In Memory of My Mother

I know many of you are already aware of this, but I am heartbroken to share with you all that my beloved Mother passed away yesterday.  As a testimony to the often unfair world we live in, she was hit with her fourth recurrence of oral cancer.  Almost everyone who gets this brutal disease has a history of heavy tobacco use, and those of you who knew my Mom will remember her as a skinny little thing who never smoked a day in her life, went to Curves faithfully three times a week (how cute is that?!), and ate a healthy diet.  She also had malignant hypertension and a brain aneurysm, but she laughed in the face of those (literally sometimes!), and kept right on going.  However, this time the cancer was just too much.  As a testimony to her tremendous inner strength and will to live, she completely mystified the hospice community of Atlanta and held on for almost 2 weeks longer than anyone expected.  She slipped into a coma and my dear sister Beth, who cradled Mom in her hands and in her heart for the last month of her life, was told on a daily basis by the nurses who would visit my Mother at Beth's home: "Honey, it won't be much longer... tomorrow noon at the latest," or "It'll be in the next few hours."  Well, as her girls know, NO ONE tells my Mom when or how to do something!    It was one of the most brutal things I've ever had to endure, waiting for my Mother to die, wondering if she was in pain, wondering why she was hanging on so long.  Was there something she wanted to tell us???  Something she wanted to hear???  In the end, I can take some small comfort in knowing that my sisters and I all had the chance to tell her how much we loved her, how precious she was to us, and how much she mattered.  We shared our hearts with her before she lapsed into her coma, and continued to do so up until the day she passed away.  Beth created an environment of peace and love for my Mother, surrounding her with photographs and pumpkin scented candles (one of my Mom's favorite scents), continuing to play her favorite television shows and keeping her aware of what was happening as she administered her pain meds or arranged bed clothes, and marveling as her own animals, 2 cats (Friendly and Un-Friendly) and a big loveable dog (Bodi), took turns holding vigil at my Mom's bedside (often IN said bed).  We all think that, maybe, she was just enjoying having some time to, as she would say, "just BE."   Several weeks ago Beth touched my heart in a way I'll always be grateful for, when she shared with me that she thinks my daughter Regan is/was the great love of my Mom's life.  My Mom reveled in Regan's big brown eyes (a gift from HER side of the family) and adored those huge dimples... She closed many of our phone conversations over the years with: "Be sure to give Miss Dimples 57,000 kisses."  She got a kick out of the fact that Regan could identify Audrey Hepburn on sight (my Mom's absolute favorite) and loved ballet and old Hollywood musicals as much as my Mom did.  Not many kids these days have seen Singing in the Rain, On the Town, Royal Wedding, and The Sound of Music all before their 4th birthday!  And can sing and re-enact them with accuracy and aplomb!  I know one of my Mom's favorite things to do was sit on the couch and watch Regan perform.  It never failed: I would be running around the house, trying to accomplish some apparently important task ("gotta wash those clothes, gotta send that email") and my Mom would try and get my attention as Regan flitted around with her pink guitar slung around her neck, singing to her dolls/stand-ins for the von Trapp kids.  I was usually too busy to join her, and I will always regret not taking the time to sit next to my Mom, put my arms around her, and revel in the moment.  Let that be a lesson to all of us.    Unfortunately my Mom had very little time with Griffin, or "Biff," as she liked to call him.  Apparently in her day, good-looking football playing guys who wore letterman jackets and got all the girls had names like "Biff," and my Mom thought that personified her grandson.  She loved seeing Regan and Griffin together, and couldn't get over how much they look alike.  How sad that she will not get to see them grow up.   One of the reasons for sending this out to all of you is to ask those of you who knew my Mom, either directly or indirectly, to share with me a remembrance of her.  It can be a favorite memory of yours (thanks Kris... I had actually forgotten about her adorable and comic avoidance of left-hand turns!), a poem that reminds you of her, a story you remember her telling that made an impact on you, a favorite saying you remember of hers, anything at all.  My hope is to put together a book in tribute of her for her grandchildren to have for always.  Because their memories of her will be weak or non-existent, I want to make sure they know who their Grandma was, and how many lives she touched.  I promised her this.  There is no rush, but when inspiration strikes, please send me your tribute.   I know those of you who knew my Mom heard it yourself, or can easily imagine her saying: "I don't want a funeral, an obituary, nothing!  When it's over it's over, and move on!"  Well, my sisters and I are taking one last opportunity to defy -- in a purely loving way-- our beloved Mommy.  Beth's husband will be writing a tribute to her which will be published in the Ventura Star Free Press, and I will send a link once I have it.  I think she would actually love this -- a tribute from a hunky Jewish guy, oy vey!  In addition to helping spread the word about her death to the literally hundreds of lives she touched as an elementary school teacher, it will also help to raise awareness and money for a cause my Mom was passionate about.  Chris Chergoski was the closest thing to a son my Mother had, and his brave battle with ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease inspired her to no end.  Like my Regan, Chris has a set of dimples that won't quit and is truly the definition of "just a great GOOD guy."  This will be printed in the obituary, but to let you all know now, my sisters and I are requesting that in lieu of flowers, donations be make In Honor of Chris Chergoski (who continues to fight the good fight), in Memory of Francine Ford.  Here is the proper way to do it:   Please make your donations:   In Memory of Fran Ford, For the Ventura "Ski" Team   Checks payable to the ALSA LA Chapter, please put Ventura "Ski" Team in 'memo' section.     ALSA LA Chapter  P.O. Box 565 Agoura Hills, CA 91376-0565    My sisters and I feel that our Mom would forgive us this tribute, especially knowing that it helps out her BFF's (Karen, I LOVE that you refer to her that way) beloved son.   I want to close with one more thing.  Those of you who have daughters are likely familiar with the movie "Barbie and the Diamond Castle."  Well, there is a song in the movie called "Connected," that Regan would sing to my Mom all the time.  Now Regan has done what we all do when singing a song who's lyrics we cannot completely make out.  She improvises.  It has to be seen and heard to be believed, and it is truly probably one of the things my Mom, who traveled all over the word, loved more than anything.  In fact, Beth has told me on more than one occasion that when my Mom would be having a particularly difficult time during her last few weeks, she would start to sing the song to her -- the Regan version -- and through the pain, through the disorientation, it would always bring a smile to her face.  I have included the lyrics below, because they are truly poignant and fitting.    What started out as a brief notification has, characteristically, turned into something much longer.  What can I say?  I am my Mother's daughter.  She was a truly remarkable woman who dedicated her life to the service of others.  She touched so many people, she made such a difference, she mattered.  I will remember her always with love.   ~Sheila     "Connected"   I'm blind-folded on this carriage ride that they call life.  Keep trying to make it through the next turn, knuckles white and holdin' tight.  So here I go, takin' the curve,  but I know that I'm never alone.  I think of you, and how you never let me go.  I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it's like you're standing right with me all the time.  You hear me (you hear me), you're near me (you're near me),  and everything else is gonna be alright.  'Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this tie.  Connected... oooooh connected inside.  It's not an accident, the time we spent apart.  But now we're so close, I can always find you right here in my heart.  You've given me somethin' I need, and I don't ever want it to end.  Because of you, I know I've found my strength again.  I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it's like you're standing right with me all the time.  You hear me (you hear me), you're near me (you're near me),  and everything else is gonna be alright.  'Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this tie.  Connected... ooooh connected inside.  Everytime that I breathe, I can feel the energy.  Reachin' out, flowin' through, you to me and me to you. wake or dream,  walk or stand, you are everywhere I am.  Seperate souls, unified, touching at the speed of light.  oh, yeaaaaaaaaah, oh whoa YEAH  I feel connected (connected), protected (protected), it's like you're standing right with me all the time.  You hear me, you're near me,  and everything else's gonna be alright.  connected (connected), protected (protected), it's like you're sitting right with me all the time.  You hear me, you're near me,  and everything else's gonna be alright.  'Cause nothing can break this, nothing can break this, nothing can break this tie.  connected, connected inside, connected, connected inside, connected.  oh Yeah!

Wanting Pictures??? - January 11, 2008

If you want to see Lam's pictures of Regan and Griffin CLICK HERE!!!

Long time no blog... - January 6, 2009

Do you know someone who is a gourmet cook, fantastic baker, gardener extraordinaire, amazing photographer, seamstress par excellence, devoted mother, AND has a PhD???  I do.  Her name is Lam and she has one of the two blogs I follow on a regular basis.  The other being, of course, my SFAM (sister from another mister) Amber.  A while back I asked Lam if she could make some sort of padding for the rocking chair which lives in the back of the house, and where Papa spends a good deal of time rocking Griffin.  It's where they watched his first football game together -- a momentous event in this house (please God, let this child be a sports aficionado.  It would just make life SO much easier for everyone ;)).  Papa has spent so much time rocking him that a blister developed on his right forearm where he props it against the arm rest.  Not having any sewing ability WHATSOEVER, I didn't realize the level of difficulty required of the task, and, truth be told, she could have sewn together two half-moons of fabric and I would have been impressed.  Well, she did much more than that.  I'd post a photo, but hers are so much better than any I would take.  In addition to that, she snapped some gorgeous photos of the kids while she was here.  She was scheduled to arrive around 10 a.m. but was early (which, as she reminded me, is an important trait in a therapist -- "I must not be that important if my doctor is always late...").  However this interfered with my carefully constructed plan to have the television off when she arrived.  You see, Lam also doesn't own a television, and that is something which, while I admire, just could NOT do.  I would not be a very happy person without my 30 Rock (if you haven't seen that show, it is something you MUST check out) and reality TV (The City, the Real Housewives -- and though I am betraying my OC brethren, the NYC and Atlanta casts are SO much more interesting, the Bachelor -- ummm, season premiere last night, that is some DAMN good tv right there.  I could go on but I've embarrassed myself enough.  And yes, I do have an M.D. from a reputable American medical school.).  Furthermore, Regan's hair was still in a bedraggled braid (our new way to wear our hair which makes the morning comb out so much less dramatic since it gets less tangled during her nightly gymnastics) and Griff was sleeping in a spit-up stained onesie.  Not what I was planning on having him wear for the photos I knew she was going to take.  Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say Lam knew ME better and arrived early specifically so that she could capture the kids in all their naturalness.  Although I do have to admit I undid the braid ;).  She snapped away and got some of the best photos of the kids I've seen.  So, please, check out her blog and read the lovely words which accompany her lovely photos.  I hope to start blogging more  -- if for no other reason than to get the "blog pushers" (you know who you are!) off my back.  They are almost as bad as Kathleen, who has thus far successfully addicted me to everything she's suggested I try (facebook -- a truly awesome way to reconnect with people. I'm back in touch with high school friends, med school friends, residency friends.  People I've wondered about, and care about, but would otherwise never keep in contact.  More of her "crack": on-line scrabble, pathwords, twilight).  I've thus far resisted the Pilates suggestion, but if it'll give me a tummy like hers, I might have to take her up on it.  Oh, and she's reaquainted me with Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio.  A wine first introduced to me by my dear friend Jameila, lost along the way, and now re-discovered.  Again, if you like your whites: check it out!  Okay, enough rambling for now...  I'm not sure if anyone still checks in here, especially since it's been almost 3 months since my last update, but I would really like to be a little more timely in my entries.  Having no technical skills at all, I am still emailing my entries to Amber, but I promise to learn how to post to my own blog so she will have one less thing to do everyday.  Hopefully I'll be back before another 3 months passes :).

-Sheila